Sunday, January 02, 2011

Almost 4 Years Later...

I decided I need to start journaling again. Just for me. I am quite sure nobody will read this, but I shall journal. Let's see if I manage to update this again in less than 3 years.

Last I wrote, HB and CB were only a few months old. I still look back on that time and wonder how I made it through. But it gets better. COTY (Coach of the Year, my husband, Mike) was diagnosed with brain cancer September, 2009. And I thought life could not get more stressful: 3 kids (including one set of twins born Dec. 2006), new house (December 2008), new FULL-TIME job January 2009, husband diagnosed w/ brain cancer (September 2009) and now I have been diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes (November 2010). Full plate? Needing to learn some lessons? Me thinks so.

When COTY was diagnosed, I thought life was over as I knew it. It was. Our world turned upside down. Where there was certainty, there was now fear. Where there was calm, there was now a storm. Where there was peace, there was now tumult. Now, I look back on that time and wonder how we got through that. COTY had a craniotomy on Sept. 26, 2009. After surgery, the surgeon thought it was a Grade 4--the absolute worst with a life expectancy of about 1.5 years. We started to digest this and do some research and the REAL fears set in. About 2 weeks later, at a post-op appt., the surgeon was very excited to come in and tell us that pathology diagnosed a Grade 3 instead. You would have thought we won the lottery!! Mike began radiation and chemo and fared pretty well. It was a trying time for both of us, but somewhere in that time, my faith did kick in. I started getting used to the idea and found some peace as I grieved the loss of "certainty" in life. Certainty that we'll all be here tomorrow. Certainty that we'll live to an old age. Certainty that we will all be healthy. That is not to say I don't still struggle with that, but by and large, there is so little control that we have. I pray the serenity prayer often. It is so applicable every. single. moment. of. every. single. day.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Each line of that prayer is equally challenging.

So, here we are--almost 1.5 years after COTY was diagnosed. He has had all clear MRIs (he goes every 2 months). He has returned to "normal" with a little less memory and a little less balance. I have spent a lot of time in therapy and prayer to work through it all. I returned to church after a long hiatus and find such peace and comfort there. Then BAM!! Type 2 diabetes.

I KNOW I've been neglecting me. I know that. But did it have to come to this??!! Yes, I guess it did. I am very stubborn. Despite all the warning signs I've been given, I still have not put myself anywhere close to the top of the priority list. So, what am I gonna do now? Get over it and get going. But, it is hard.

It was hard when I woke up this morning and COTY had made biscuits and gravy--such wonderful comfort food. It would be so much easier and yummier to just eat that. But, I didn't. I ate granola and yogurt. It is hard to move my large body, but I must and i will. It is hard to carve out time when I am so tired and am trying to balance a full-time job, multiple schedules, what seems like tons of doctor appointments, and laundry! Excuses are futile.

As I lay in bed last night, I thought about our children not having either parent as they grow older and I sobbed. Perhaps it is time for us to take this seriously and change our course. Or at least I can.

So, as I return to blogging, I am aiming at keeping track of a few things:

  1. Living with a brain cancer survivor.
  2. Living with Type 2 Diabetes.
  3. Raising 3 children (it feels like this should be more than just a number on a list).
  4. Working full-time.
  5. Taking care of me (oops, I guess that should be #1).
  6. Growing spiritually.

I hope that I can be honest with myself and that whoever reads this....isn't bored to tears.


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