Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Runnin' on Empty

I have no right to complain. I'll say that first. But, I'm going to. This pregnancy has been HARD. It is double the pain and exhaustion. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes this time and it is a pain in the butt (no, I don't have to take insulin shots---yet). I have to write down all that I eat (it will help me get prepared for Weight Watchers again) and stick myself 4x/day. But, I am going to play the optimist too: it is short-term and if the result is 2 healthy babies, then it is MORE than worth it.

My worst feelings throughout this pregnancy have been my lack of patience--especially with Owen. Once he is gone to day care or school, I could cry because I lost patience with him. He cries more these days when things don't go his way and I get SO frustrated. I raise my voice and this morning I took his cheeks in my hand and made him look at me while I told him to stop crying. I feel terrible that I am not myself for him--that he has to put up with a cranky, uncomfortable mom. Getting him dressed is so challenging these days. Yes, he should probably dress himself, but then I'd be waiting til 5 PM to get out of the house. So, I try to bend over my enormous girth and get his clothes on with very little cooperation on his part.

I hate that I am all sour grapes and can't just enjoy this pregnancy. But it hurts!! Every move I make reminds me that my pubic bones are screaming. It feels like I have ridden a horse across the country and back.

How insensitive of me--I kind of started my blog when we were having TROUBLE getting pregnant. I read a lot of fertility blogs (or should I say infertility). I have no right to complain when I have two babies inside me. Yet I do.

I am not looking for sympathy. It is just hard. Then, I think about the monumental task of parenting all 3 children in a few months and a whole other bucket-full of doubts creep in.

I know children are resilient, but I should be a bigger, better person. I am an adult and I should be able to treat my 3-year old respectfully all the time regardless of whether I feel like crap. The hormones are raging, but he doesn't understand that.

I know I'll make it--one day at a time, right? Just wish I could take back every little moment that I lose patience with my son. He deserves so much better.

Any suggestions on how to fill this empty tank are welcome. I have less than two months left (c-section is scheduled for January 4). I hope they come before that, but we will handle what we get.


DD said...

Hon, I lose my patience, too, and I only know it's b/c I need to try harder. You have a lot going on and I hope your husband is helping out in some way as well.

And even though Owen is very young, they can appreciate someone telling them they are sorry, just as much as we do when we ask them for an apology.

The main thing is not to forget how is going to be the big brother forever to these two babies. But someone you will have to balance out that he's still a babe himself in some ways.

It will come together. I'm sure of it. Try to remember that these next couple of months will be the last time he will be an only child and have your undivided attention. Create some memories even now for him, and for yourself.

Jennifer said...

Kary, we all lose our patience and I agree with DD's advice. One thing that I'll add is that not one single person is ever respectful to anyone 100% of the time. If you were, I honestly believe that you'd be setting your children up for a fall. I'm not condoning the loss of patience for reasons as large as a twin pregnancy or as small as a co-worker looked at you the wrong way. But I am saying that those things are a preparation of sorts for facing the real world. You have to learn that everyone has their limits and how to recognize when you've gone or almost gone too far. Be kind to yourself because you aren't yourself. I would explain that the babies are getting heavy and making you ache and that makes you cranky. There's nothing wrong with that. It's teaching him cause and effect. The next time he is cranky you can emphathize with him - and he will learn to empathize with you.

You do sound miserable and you do have the right to get it out one way or the other. I remember when I found out that one of my childhood friends died of pancreatic cancer after delivering twins that I could have almost killed myself with guilt. Why wasn't I just happy to have a healthy baby? Why couldn't just being alive be good enough for me? Well, the cold hard fact is that Janie's death had nothing to do with me. Infertile couples who would die to have a colicky baby have nothing to do with me. The crack whores who squat down and deliver 15 pound babies have nothing to do with me. Sure, I judge myself against those circumstances to see if I "deserve" to feel the way that I do, but it all means nothing. If you were plenty rested, feeling comfortable and loving every minute of this pregnancy, that wouldn't change life for those other women suffering from infertility. So, don't feel like you have to justify what you are saying or tone it down because "others have it worse." You are only you and you are miserable. It's okay to say that. It's okay to not enjoy a pregnancy. What you are suffering is for you alone. You have every right to feel however you want about it. You have the right to express those feelings without qualifying them for anyone. What's more important is how you choose to act upon what's going on. You are not sitting around moping all the time. It sounds to me that you are trying to focus on your relationship with Owen. Thinking about that might divert you from your physical discomfort every now and again.

You are a good mother to Owen and you'll continue to be an equally great mother to your girls. You are going to be fine.

Trista said...

Just wondering how you're doing with the babies! I would love if you'd post an update!

- Trista, Jennifer's friend